Nothing Prophetic............

I just need to ramble.

I am starting to slide into a misery, self-pity thing. I have got to snap my self out. I tried prayer, maybe I need to try again. There is just so much, yet so little going on around here. IT seems like every time we think things are looking up, they quickly fall. Even when we are convinced we are following God's will. And, just to clarify myself, I don't expect things to be perfect, but I was hoping that the turmoil and aggravation of my life would ease up some. I have so many personal building goals to work on, but then things start to fall apart around me, namely my husband starts slipping into one of his moods, and I put myself aside and worry about him. Then, the adversary steps in and makes me feel like no one cares about me. Which in some ways are true. For example, some days (most days) I feel my only value is the house cleaning, and kids caring for and as long as I do that, listen to Michael talk about his thoughts, I am being the perfect wife. Well, I am not a neat freak. My house is clean, but not spotless.......some days clean might even be stretching it. The part others see stays pretty clean. It is my bedroom and that type stuff that I falter on. But I get in these moods, and honestly it is only after Michael gets in a mood and expresses how "sorry" of a housekeeper I am, that I feel useless and not "loved". I know he loves me, and I know to over look these moods, but that doesn't mean I can. And when he has so much going on where his mind is running 90 to nothing, I need to be so much more supportive, and I try.......but I always fail. Do you know why? Because I am not perfect, but that is just a way of excusing inadequacies. (See, I said I was rambling) So, what else can I do, try harder to clean and always smile and be supportive? When does some one support me? When does someone get up earlier then they want and go to the store to get me coffee mate because I am out? It doesn't happen. But, I can get up 3 hours early, to go get Mt Dew so that they will be cold before he gets up. I do it gladly, because I love taking care of him........I just want some one to think about me that way, ya know, that way where they would do anything to make sure I was happy. I am mostly adjusted to the fact, it will never happen. But every once is a while, thanks to the evil one putting thoughts in my head, I get so sad and so lonely feeling when I think about "me".

Now, all that being said. I know I should never think about me first. I don't usually really, but I am trying so hard to be a better, more loving, person that I feel inadequate when I don't do it all right. So, I will go now, pray, read a little of His Word, and get over my pity party. (I hope!)